1/7/2017
Filtering the Noise"How do I know if i am making the right choice? So currently I am on the verge of making it official with the guy I talk to. I've known him for couple years now & he was always pretty cool. He's very well known whereas I am the complete opposite. In his past he was known as a "player" "bad boy" the kind of boy your mom tells you to run from when you see them coming. Someway Somehow, we started talking (for about 6 months) & now we're here. I'm feeling him, He's feeling me, but something is just holding me back. He says he's changed, I believe him, I just don't want to be wrong. Can someone really change? All my friends tell me to stay away because they know the type of person he was, but how can stay away I when I've already let emotions & feelings into the picture ?! I like him I really do, but I don't want to be another girl check off of his list. His words and actions seem sincere and genuine but once a player always a player right? I don't want to lose something over the past but I don't want to be stupid either. Should I just go for it?" -Ready but Afraid Dear Ready but Afraid:
You ask if you’re making the right choice, but what would make it the wrong choice? Relationships, as strange as it sounds, are about taking a chance because you have to trust and have faith that your partner is who they say. Without that trust relationships falter and constant arguments, doubts, and soon breakups are the result. The most important thing to remember in this decision is to not let your friends clouded judgement get the better of the feelings you have already developed. You’ve spent this time learning, building, and becoming comfortable with someone who doesn’t interact with them in that same light. Their opinions are based on a man that they KNEW and not a man that they KNOW which is why they believe that he is still the same person and cannot change. The depth of the relationship or “connection” that you have built with him is beyond their knowledge and they have not had the opportunity to experience the transformation that he presents to you. Kate, Gina, and Sally can all have different opinions on how he isn’t the “right one” or show you examples of how he is “a player and will always be player” but none of these examples represents the person that you know now. He claims to be an evolved a person, and somewhere in you believes that is true or else you wouldn’t be talking to him for such a long period or even be considering making things official. If you don’t truly believe that he’s grown you’re wasting your own time just as much as you’re wasting his. What’s holding you back is all the clutter and noise that his past, your friends, and your past is providing and you have to silence out those filters. People do change, it’s just what we do; sometimes it’s for the better and there are times that it’s for the worse, that’s the reality. But, if he knows that the person he was then isn’t the person he wants to be now (especially that changed person with you) give him the chance to do so. You’ve went these six months giving him the benefit of the doubt, so what’s different now? Create stillness between the negative and positive filters that are affecting your final verdict. When you compare the pros and cons that you get from the relationship you have with him his past shouldn’t be the biggest negative.
1/2/2017
To Tell? or Not to Tell?"Say that you like this woman, not because she's beautiful but everything about her is awesome and you see pass her beauty. You like her, and feel like you should tell her. But you feel like that would mess things up between y'all, what would you do, tell her how you feel or keep things to yourself? And If you were the lady in this situation, what would you want the guy to do?" - First Last Dear First:
It’s always strenuous to be in a see-saw of emotions when you are indecisive about whether or not telling someone how you feel about them is a smart decision, especially if you are “friends” of a sort. In fact it could become pretty frustrating if you have to witness her being mistreated and hurt by others knowing that you like her. You’ve been keeping this locked away for however long, and it’s clear that the thought still creates an itch and you have to suppress the urge to say how you’re truly feeling. Thoughts like this can appear as annoying and can begin to gnaw at your conscience. The solution that I see is to tell her how you feel, not in hopes that she will like you back, but so that the thought can retire from floating around in your “What If” bank. There’s the chance that she does in fact care for you in that same way, but be prepared for the exact opposite. If I was the lady in this particular situation I would want the guy to say something because I understand how frustrating it is keeping things to yourself that you wish you could share. I don’t enjoy things bothering me, so I wouldn’t want something like this to bother my friend. I have had “friends” like me before, and they have mentioned it to me as well…. Some of us are pretty good friends still, others not so much. Not because of what they told me but more so because they made it awkward or couldn’t quite get over the fact that I don’t see myself as being more than friends with them. Of course I was respectful when I told them the feelings weren’t mutual, and if the lady is truly your friend and doesn’t share that similar likeness I would hope she does the same. The decision to say anything is more about you than it is about her. Prepare yourself for that “I’m sorry but…” -- don’t let that be a discouraging factor. “Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.” - Suzy Kassem
1/1/2017
the golden listÂ"One of my dearest friends has trouble finding good men. Everyone that comes to her she pushes them away because they don't meet her standards. I've personally tried to tell her expectations lead to disappointments, but that just goes through one ear and out the other because she,"doesn't want to settle for less". As a friend I want to spare her feelings, but sometimes I just want to tell her to slow down and rethink her standards, try to pick out what means the most to you then try to cope with whatever comes your way. Honestly I just think she is confused and doesn't know what she really wants. How do I deal with my friend?" - Wanda Brown Dear Wanda:
As you attempt to enter into your friend’s relationship/love life tread lightly for these are waters where people get very defensive and are quick to backlash if they feel as if they are being threatened. However, if she is a friend that you care about, having a simple talk with her about improvements she should consider making to her life shouldn’t be too problematic. The idea to “spare her feelings” can be effective but it is all about your approach, you want this talk between you both to be friendly and not to paint the image that you are refuting or trying to annihilate the way she views her relationship life; on the contrary spare her feelings by defining that as being 100% honest with her. It’s not that her standards may be ‘set too high’, they might just be ‘unrealistic’ and that’s where the fault is. Your friend would benefit greatly from reassessing what important elements are necessary to her tough series of standards. Your friend may feel as if she is settling but explaining how this “golden” list she’s created still leads her to get the same results over and over again in addition to suggesting a few tweaks can make a significant difference in her outcomes. The ‘requirements’ we often create come from many outside influences portraying what “goals” are and can cause us forget to pin point the core components that should steer us into the type of relationships we want. Ultimately, as her friend, even if you’ve mapped out XYZ and created her the dream list what she does with this information is entirely up to her. The best way to deal with your friend is to not just provide her with helpful solutions (reevaluating her standards, coping with the curve balls life throws, preventing outside influences [bae goals] from heavily impacting the important elements in her relationship aspirations) but to be there for support and to understand that the decisions of her life remain fully in her grasps. As her friend, whether she actually takes your suggestions into consideration or not shouldn’t turn you against her but instead prepare you to either be a bridesmaid or open your arms with a tub of ice cream when she shows up with tears. |
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