1/1/2017
the golden list"One of my dearest friends has trouble finding good men. Everyone that comes to her she pushes them away because they don't meet her standards. I've personally tried to tell her expectations lead to disappointments, but that just goes through one ear and out the other because she,"doesn't want to settle for less". As a friend I want to spare her feelings, but sometimes I just want to tell her to slow down and rethink her standards, try to pick out what means the most to you then try to cope with whatever comes your way. Honestly I just think she is confused and doesn't know what she really wants. How do I deal with my friend?" - Wanda Brown Dear Wanda:
As you attempt to enter into your friend’s relationship/love life tread lightly for these are waters where people get very defensive and are quick to backlash if they feel as if they are being threatened. However, if she is a friend that you care about, having a simple talk with her about improvements she should consider making to her life shouldn’t be too problematic. The idea to “spare her feelings” can be effective but it is all about your approach, you want this talk between you both to be friendly and not to paint the image that you are refuting or trying to annihilate the way she views her relationship life; on the contrary spare her feelings by defining that as being 100% honest with her. It’s not that her standards may be ‘set too high’, they might just be ‘unrealistic’ and that’s where the fault is. Your friend would benefit greatly from reassessing what important elements are necessary to her tough series of standards. Your friend may feel as if she is settling but explaining how this “golden” list she’s created still leads her to get the same results over and over again in addition to suggesting a few tweaks can make a significant difference in her outcomes. The ‘requirements’ we often create come from many outside influences portraying what “goals” are and can cause us forget to pin point the core components that should steer us into the type of relationships we want. Ultimately, as her friend, even if you’ve mapped out XYZ and created her the dream list what she does with this information is entirely up to her. The best way to deal with your friend is to not just provide her with helpful solutions (reevaluating her standards, coping with the curve balls life throws, preventing outside influences [bae goals] from heavily impacting the important elements in her relationship aspirations) but to be there for support and to understand that the decisions of her life remain fully in her grasps. As her friend, whether she actually takes your suggestions into consideration or not shouldn’t turn you against her but instead prepare you to either be a bridesmaid or open your arms with a tub of ice cream when she shows up with tears. |
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